Family Night

So last night was eventful and mind fucking. I managed to get out of a sleepover at my brothers friends place because I was afraid I'd drink and my calories would shoot from 340 to 1000. I was planning on having a cup or two of soup and going to bed like a good person. Putting my total up to 540. Bang. My brother pops in and says were having family night. First we head out to a bar. I drink as little as possible without arising suspicion. Then I end up eating the starters because everyone looks at me weirdly when I turn them down the first time. So i come equipped to purge those calories. Drinking sips of water and alcohol between each tiny bite. Except when I want to go to the restroom my mother comes with me. So I didn't get to purge. Then I think to myself, well we're going for a movie later I'll just have a diet coke and tell them I'm full. We happened to miss said movie and ended up at Häagen-Dazs. So forced to order something I caved and instead of ordering a waffle with maple syrup I ask for a cookie sundae. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL did I screw up. 

On a lighter note. My brother after his pitcher of beer and my flavored beer and some gin was buzzed to say the least. He started acting like he was smashed just to freak my mom out. My dad was high too. My mum was the designated driver and while she was driving we started prank calling her colleague, P. P happens to be really chilled out and is a blast so she was pretty cool with the whole thing. It was fun to say the least.

On the bright side I only gained 0.1 kg. PHEW. Hope you are all doing lovely.<3 Jamie

24 May

Breakfast:
One slice of toast w/ one egg (140)
Tea (0)
Lunch:
1 large mango (170)
1 toffee (30)
Dinner:
Starters- cottage cheese, garlic bread & stuffed mushroom (400)
Alcohol- 1 gin and tonic & half a flavored beer. (140+ 200)
Desert: Häagen-Dazs cookie sundae (600)

Total: 1680

Steps: 6000

Weight: 65.9

23d May (for lack of a better title)

I went for Fast and the Furious 6. It was brilliant and a quick suggestion wait for the credits. :) So I planned on not having anything but that went out the window and I ended up having half a large cheese& caramel popcorn. The combination is a little bizarre but it's delicious.
Then I thought it would be okay to go for lunch with them at 4:30pm and decided I would not eat.
So as I happily sipped my diet coke. S looked at me weirdly and said "J, why aren't you eating anything."
So I went on and said "Oh it's because I'm not hungry."
Now this would have ordinarily worked, except he knows me and we had been with each other since the morning so he knew I couldn't have eaten much.
"What did you eat?" he questioned, eyeing my diet coke dubiously
"Popcorn." I said sealing my fate.
"J, please tell me you aren't going to the gym."
"I'm not." I said honestly. He didn't need to know I was working out at home.
I ended up eating a bite of chocolate tart, two french fries and a crisp and a sip of his milkshake, just to appease S.

Popcorn(200)

Lunch(200)
Dinner(400)
Chocolates(112)

Total =912 calories

Steps: 4500

Weight: 66.5

The Silent Killer: Chocolate Cake

Breakfast: 
Tea (20)
Lunch: 
Slice of toast w/ low fat cheese (110)
Snack: 
Drumstick leaves, yogurt and gram. (70)
Popcorn (180)
Tea(20)
After 7 pm:
Fried mini dumplings (180)
Soup (70)
Lychee (100)
Watermelon&Cucumber (100)
Tea (20)
Chocolate Cake (200)                                        
Pumpkin Seeds (200)

Total: 1190

Distance walked/jogged: 6.25 km

WEIGH IN: 66.7

So last night got messed up. My brother came home from uni and we sat up till 2 am playing poker. My brother whipped out the seeds, my dad the cake and I melted. So I ate like an Idiot. Chocolate will be the death of me.
I'm still sick but the scales have gone down. I hope everyone is doing great.
On another note I actually took my dog for a walk :) I feel so proud of myself. My dog came back and literally looked like she was dead. We had to check a few times, just to be sure she was still breathing. She's never walked even half as much before.
Love you all,
Jamie

Goals, Rewards and a Little Extra

When I stepped on to the scale, this morning I somehow managed to loose 0.9kg (2 lbs). Ordinarily this wouldn't surprise me but I had about 1500 calories yesterday and it seems kind of improbable. I weighed myself ten times before I was certain my scale was not having a bonkers moment and I really had lost two pounds. I feel guilty because I haven't taken my dog out for a walk. It's about 10 am and I'm much to lazy to move. I'm sipping my tea while typing and I'm at peace. The whole walking the dog situation seems a bit cumbersome.
I have decided to start of with 800 calories a day. Any less seems far to difficult at the moment. I just don't feel like I can do it.

Goals&Rewards

SW   : 67.6 kg
GW 1: 66.9 kg  [Go for a movie]

GW 2: 66.0 kg  [Go for a sleep over with the 'best friends']

GW 3: 64.9 kg  [Wear my white summer skirt]
GW 4: 63.0 kg  [Go out drinking and dancing]
GW 5: 61.9 kg  [Wear my ink blue shorts/ pant]

I also promised myself that I wouldn't touch a cigarette till I reached 59.9kg because that would be a major incentive for me. It's going to give me the added health benefit and ensure I don't get addicted.

Weigh in: 66.7 kg

Calories and Bingeing and little bit more

Last night I pulled out my classics that I used to read when I was thirteen and was gobsmacked. The books which I had once read with ease, I found difficult to comprehend. Obviously my english really has deteriorated drastically. I need to start reading better books and not random stuff on wattpad.
I'm sick, sneezing once a minute, drinking fifteen cups of tea and sleeping sixteen hours a day kind of sick. My maid didn't show up today. She's a darling and makes the best vegetable soup ever. My mom hired her because she needed a job and she had a mental illness that made it difficult for her to work in house where she didn't know the people.(She isn't really dangerous at all) She used to work for my grandmother but stopped when she moved. So my moms know her since she was sixteen and instantly figured out there was something wrong. It's easier for my maid because my mother is a doctor and it makes her feel safer. She's like a second mum to me and she's really cool. She used to cover for me when my boyfriend used to come over when my parents were out.
Anyway , I was looking for some left over soup when I found my dad's salad-ul-viea, It's this Iranian creamy chicken salad with eggs, peas,potatoes and sliced pickles. (He makes a similar separate one which is vegetarian for me). It's one of my absolute weaknesses . I made myself a sandwich with it (because I couldn't find the soup). I ate most of it before realizing I couldn't purge because my throat was really fucked up. Then I thought it would be a wise idea to drink a cup of hot chocolate (they are usually 100 calories) but my dad forgot to tell me he hadn't removed the fat yet. We generally buy skimmed milk and then re-skim it. I drank it before he told me.....
I binged. On rice and curry and crisps. Disgusting. I'm hoping if I record what I eat here then I'll feel more accountable. I feel pretty darn shitty and I should learn to stop eating when I'm upset.
Breakfast: Tea(20), Lychee (30), Sandwich:(350)
Snack: hot chocolate: (120)

Lunch: 1230(binge)
Dinner: (nil)

Total: 1750 calories.... EW...

Catch Up, Over Some Tea

"You know, you'd look like a model if you just lost a little bit of weight."
I can't believe my best friend thought this would sound like a compliment. Thank you oh-so very much for telling me I'm ugly because I'm fat. Now it's definitely all my fault. Guys can be so god damn dense. And to make matters worse he said, "Jamie, like 10 pounds and damn you'd be beautiful. I can't believe I never noticed before."
I was left with no choice but to laugh it off and say "Dude, I know."
Sadly he didn't get the message and kept on about it. Needless to say, I didn't really eat after that.
On another note, I came back from Sri Lanka last night. It was beautiful and everyone was so nice. However the vegetarian options at most restaurants were limited to high calorie food (most often fried or baked in butter.) You wouldn't believe what I'd give for a raw carrot or a huge helping of ice berg lettuce by the end of it. I gained about 3 pounds but I think I resigned myself to gaining on my first day there. On the bright side, I've toned up (from all the swimming) and bought a really cute white skirt which is just a wee bit tight for me. Motivation anyone :)
I'm feeling a little under the weather today and I have a killer sore throat so I'm debating on liquid fasting today.
I hope everyone is doing great....
Hugs and Kisses,
Jamie

A Little Bit of Inspiration : Cigarettes

Conflicting Desires

For the first time in my entire life my brother called me fat. He said I have the makings of a double chin and that I've gotten rounder. The thing that sucks is even when I was 5 pounds heavier he always used to tell my parents off for hinting about my weight. Now I want to binge because I feel like shit but I cant because then I'll get fatter. I want to throw something at him because I'm still in the "normal" BMI category. On the higher side of normal but still normal. I honestly think that I look fatter because my muscle mass has gone down because of my erratic starving and bingeing. So now even though I weigh less than I used to, I look bigger than I used to.
Bigger, Huge, Giant &Ginormous....
I will learn to enjoy not eating again. I will get some god damn self control back. I will be thin.

I wish.

Food Porn... Yumm

How many calories did I have today? Think, think, THINK!
Well I had about 75 calories in raw food. 70 ish in coffee and tea. Oh god Lunch! easily 350 oh and 5 calories worth of cranberries
Total! Total! Total!!!
500! and it's just 3 pm!
How am I supposed to stay under 500? How? Gone are the days where I could live of clean pure untainted water. Gone are the days when a total of 300 calories was considered feasting. GONE are the days when I used to be thin. All gone.

I want my eating disorder back
. I want to be sick. Does that make me a wannorexic? I hope not. I'm too fat. I eat too much to have an eating disorder. I wish I was anorexic. There I said it. I wish I was thin. Or I wish I stopped feeling like this and somehow miraculously became thin.
I wish I was normal and out of the half-way house. I wish, I wish, I wish.

The Rambling Post

My muscles are killing me but I welcome the pain. I haven't lost any weight. I gained 0.2 pounds. In my body's defense I ate far too much to loose. I'm currently hovering between 1000-1800 calories a day. I've started being more active (or trying to be at any rate).
I'm trying to clock in 7000 steps a day on my pedometer. I spend so many hours with my books and other classes that I barely get off my seat.
If I was still purging, well I know my calories would be lower but purging is not something I want to do anymore. Generally once I purge it's like a friggin fest. It doesn't even matter if breakfast was 80 calories of sugar free, fat free yogurt. It'll come right back up. Once I start the purging cycle I can't stop for a long time. It's sort of like , "If I eat something, I'll eat everything, so I don't eat at all." except more like "If I purge once, I'll purge everything, so I don't purge."
In all honesty I probably should cut down to about 750 calories so I can function and lose weight at the same time. Once my various obligations are done, by may 19th I can go to my old routine of eating 500 calories a day and burning 300-800.
I'm going to Sri Lanka in four days and I was hoping to loose about two pounds before I leave, but I have a feeling that won't be happening. I wish I could stop all the night eating. I've never had to hide my eating habits at home, my mom, the doctor, has these odd issues with food (she thinks 500 calories is a perfectly healthy amount of food to eat when you're on a diet, assuming you exercise of course) and I've always had weird meal timings since I was a child so no one really finds it odd when I skip most meals they just assume I ate something earlier. I will have a problem when we go to Sri Lanka. We're going to be doing stuff like diving, river rafting, drinking and dancing, and hiking. I can skive off most of the alcohol calories but I expect I'll end up having a beer or cocktail and then smoking so I don't get tempted. I've never had to hide anything except purging and I don't want to purge on the trip. It makes me light headed and it's not safe if I pass out while diving or something. I'll probably stay at about 750 calories on the trip. Stick to the whole 'I cant eat before getting into a car.' and 'but I always fast on Thursdays.' It's such an odd feeling researching how to 'hide an ED from friends/family' We'll end up eating out every day and I'll really have to be careful of what I eat.
I should probably go and study for my exam which is in two days. Wish me luck. <3
Jamie

That Girl On TV You Wish You Were Like: Effy Stonem

So while I'm generally not a fan of celebrity thinspo/thinspiration, I have an exception or two that I would give anything to be like. Kaya Scodelario. (commonly known from her role as Effy Stonem in the drama SKINS) is my celebrity thinspo. I want to look like Effy not Kaya a odd as that may sound (Since they are the same person). I might have a major girl-crush on Effy

You KNOW you're happier trying than you would be if you weren't.

Do you ever look back five years ago and wonder what the hell happened to the awesome, confident, bright and driven girl you were?

I find myself contemplating a lot lately and mainly because I'm failing at life. I can't believe I failed at my back-up universities. I could end up going to some rich ass school, party my education away while simultaneously ensuring both me and my parents become broke. Then marry an ugly rich man. (assuming I somehow miraculously managed to shed the pounds) Thus utilizing his money for my multiple save the animals and children of the world projects.
So much for getting into Harvard. Rory, Elle and the guys from 'Suits', y'all made it seem way to easy.
As it so happens I was texting K and she said something along the lines of "I'm happier trying than I would be if I weren't."
She's absolutely spot-on. I'm happier trying to starve (and occasionally fail)  than I would be otherwise. Eating, (or the lack of it) is still a 'comfort thing' My life seems stable, less chaotic when the only thing I have to appease is the weighing scale.
I honestly think I should start editing what I write so my grammar wouldn't be so absolutely horrendous, but all in time my lovelies.

Hugs and Kisses,
Jamie

The Diary of a Dramatic Yo-Yo: The Introductory Post.

Dear You,
Welcome to a world where food is ALWAYS on your mind. I'm not talking about a 'I'm hungry, I wonder what's for lunch.' kind of food on your mind. I'm talking about eating everything within your sight. Keeping a book filled with pictures of (high calorie, gooey, unhealthy and worst of all fattening) food and hiding it under your bed to look at when everyone is asleep, like teenage boys are apt to do with porn, kind of food is always on your mind.
Ladies and Gentlemen, diaries of all ages and sizes, I, Jamie C, have an eating disorder, I'm not talking about the glamorous ones that you see on E-news. Or the ones that have books like Wasted and Unbearable Lightness written about them. I'm not talking about the Famous Nervosa Sisters, Ana and Mia. (They sound like princesses don't they)  Princess of the eating disorder world. I'm not even talking about the king and most feared among eating disorder communities, the 'BED' or the monster of eating disorders where you binge and binge and then binge some more. I'm talking about the least popular of the eating disorders, a halfway house of sorts, EDNOS. The name says it all. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. It's the least noticed, doctors don't take it seriously, writers don't write about it and even my BMI looks normal. People with eating disorders are skinny right? Yeah I wish.
See no one tells you what it's like to wake up and wonder how you're going to feel about food. Repulsed?  Addicted? Or 'Normal'? No one tell you what it's like to wonder if you are going to starve, fast, purge, binge, or eat like a normal person when you wake up. No one knows what it's like to pray you lost weight when you step on the scale at your stipulated times, thrice a day. Once after you wake up. Once after you "go" and lastly after you shower. As if weighing yourself would be easy. There are rules that must be followed when you weigh yourself. Firstly you must weigh yourself on the left most tile of the bathroom, then the right most tile, the center tile all the while ensuring that the edges of the scale are aligned to the edges of the tiles. Oh but you're not done with the weighing ritual yet. Then comes the diagonal weighing. Same tiles but different angle of the scale. But I guess it helps you stay busy. More free time generally equates to more binge time. Something you REALLY don't want.
On the bright side your math skills are really improving. Calculating calories constantly in your head helps you practice mental math almost constantly.
 In all honesty, on most day's I don't feel like I had an eating disorder. On most days I feel like a phony, a fake. A yo-yo dieter with a major case of the dramatics.