Family Night

So last night was eventful and mind fucking. I managed to get out of a sleepover at my brothers friends place because I was afraid I'd drink and my calories would shoot from 340 to 1000. I was planning on having a cup or two of soup and going to bed like a good person. Putting my total up to 540. Bang. My brother pops in and says were having family night. First we head out to a bar. I drink as little as possible without arising suspicion. Then I end up eating the starters because everyone looks at me weirdly when I turn them down the first time. So i come equipped to purge those calories. Drinking sips of water and alcohol between each tiny bite. Except when I want to go to the restroom my mother comes with me. So I didn't get to purge. Then I think to myself, well we're going for a movie later I'll just have a diet coke and tell them I'm full. We happened to miss said movie and ended up at Häagen-Dazs. So forced to order something I caved and instead of ordering a waffle with maple syrup I ask for a cookie sundae. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL did I screw up. 

On a lighter note. My brother after his pitcher of beer and my flavored beer and some gin was buzzed to say the least. He started acting like he was smashed just to freak my mom out. My dad was high too. My mum was the designated driver and while she was driving we started prank calling her colleague, P. P happens to be really chilled out and is a blast so she was pretty cool with the whole thing. It was fun to say the least.

On the bright side I only gained 0.1 kg. PHEW. Hope you are all doing lovely.<3 Jamie

24 May

Breakfast:
One slice of toast w/ one egg (140)
Tea (0)
Lunch:
1 large mango (170)
1 toffee (30)
Dinner:
Starters- cottage cheese, garlic bread & stuffed mushroom (400)
Alcohol- 1 gin and tonic & half a flavored beer. (140+ 200)
Desert: Häagen-Dazs cookie sundae (600)

Total: 1680

Steps: 6000

Weight: 65.9

Goals, Rewards and a Little Extra

When I stepped on to the scale, this morning I somehow managed to loose 0.9kg (2 lbs). Ordinarily this wouldn't surprise me but I had about 1500 calories yesterday and it seems kind of improbable. I weighed myself ten times before I was certain my scale was not having a bonkers moment and I really had lost two pounds. I feel guilty because I haven't taken my dog out for a walk. It's about 10 am and I'm much to lazy to move. I'm sipping my tea while typing and I'm at peace. The whole walking the dog situation seems a bit cumbersome.
I have decided to start of with 800 calories a day. Any less seems far to difficult at the moment. I just don't feel like I can do it.

Goals&Rewards

SW   : 67.6 kg
GW 1: 66.9 kg  [Go for a movie]

GW 2: 66.0 kg  [Go for a sleep over with the 'best friends']

GW 3: 64.9 kg  [Wear my white summer skirt]
GW 4: 63.0 kg  [Go out drinking and dancing]
GW 5: 61.9 kg  [Wear my ink blue shorts/ pant]

I also promised myself that I wouldn't touch a cigarette till I reached 59.9kg because that would be a major incentive for me. It's going to give me the added health benefit and ensure I don't get addicted.

Weigh in: 66.7 kg

Calories and Bingeing and little bit more

Last night I pulled out my classics that I used to read when I was thirteen and was gobsmacked. The books which I had once read with ease, I found difficult to comprehend. Obviously my english really has deteriorated drastically. I need to start reading better books and not random stuff on wattpad.
I'm sick, sneezing once a minute, drinking fifteen cups of tea and sleeping sixteen hours a day kind of sick. My maid didn't show up today. She's a darling and makes the best vegetable soup ever. My mom hired her because she needed a job and she had a mental illness that made it difficult for her to work in house where she didn't know the people.(She isn't really dangerous at all) She used to work for my grandmother but stopped when she moved. So my moms know her since she was sixteen and instantly figured out there was something wrong. It's easier for my maid because my mother is a doctor and it makes her feel safer. She's like a second mum to me and she's really cool. She used to cover for me when my boyfriend used to come over when my parents were out.
Anyway , I was looking for some left over soup when I found my dad's salad-ul-viea, It's this Iranian creamy chicken salad with eggs, peas,potatoes and sliced pickles. (He makes a similar separate one which is vegetarian for me). It's one of my absolute weaknesses . I made myself a sandwich with it (because I couldn't find the soup). I ate most of it before realizing I couldn't purge because my throat was really fucked up. Then I thought it would be a wise idea to drink a cup of hot chocolate (they are usually 100 calories) but my dad forgot to tell me he hadn't removed the fat yet. We generally buy skimmed milk and then re-skim it. I drank it before he told me.....
I binged. On rice and curry and crisps. Disgusting. I'm hoping if I record what I eat here then I'll feel more accountable. I feel pretty darn shitty and I should learn to stop eating when I'm upset.
Breakfast: Tea(20), Lychee (30), Sandwich:(350)
Snack: hot chocolate: (120)

Lunch: 1230(binge)
Dinner: (nil)

Total: 1750 calories.... EW...

I wish.

Food Porn... Yumm

How many calories did I have today? Think, think, THINK!
Well I had about 75 calories in raw food. 70 ish in coffee and tea. Oh god Lunch! easily 350 oh and 5 calories worth of cranberries
Total! Total! Total!!!
500! and it's just 3 pm!
How am I supposed to stay under 500? How? Gone are the days where I could live of clean pure untainted water. Gone are the days when a total of 300 calories was considered feasting. GONE are the days when I used to be thin. All gone.

I want my eating disorder back
. I want to be sick. Does that make me a wannorexic? I hope not. I'm too fat. I eat too much to have an eating disorder. I wish I was anorexic. There I said it. I wish I was thin. Or I wish I stopped feeling like this and somehow miraculously became thin.
I wish I was normal and out of the half-way house. I wish, I wish, I wish.

The Rambling Post

My muscles are killing me but I welcome the pain. I haven't lost any weight. I gained 0.2 pounds. In my body's defense I ate far too much to loose. I'm currently hovering between 1000-1800 calories a day. I've started being more active (or trying to be at any rate).
I'm trying to clock in 7000 steps a day on my pedometer. I spend so many hours with my books and other classes that I barely get off my seat.
If I was still purging, well I know my calories would be lower but purging is not something I want to do anymore. Generally once I purge it's like a friggin fest. It doesn't even matter if breakfast was 80 calories of sugar free, fat free yogurt. It'll come right back up. Once I start the purging cycle I can't stop for a long time. It's sort of like , "If I eat something, I'll eat everything, so I don't eat at all." except more like "If I purge once, I'll purge everything, so I don't purge."
In all honesty I probably should cut down to about 750 calories so I can function and lose weight at the same time. Once my various obligations are done, by may 19th I can go to my old routine of eating 500 calories a day and burning 300-800.
I'm going to Sri Lanka in four days and I was hoping to loose about two pounds before I leave, but I have a feeling that won't be happening. I wish I could stop all the night eating. I've never had to hide my eating habits at home, my mom, the doctor, has these odd issues with food (she thinks 500 calories is a perfectly healthy amount of food to eat when you're on a diet, assuming you exercise of course) and I've always had weird meal timings since I was a child so no one really finds it odd when I skip most meals they just assume I ate something earlier. I will have a problem when we go to Sri Lanka. We're going to be doing stuff like diving, river rafting, drinking and dancing, and hiking. I can skive off most of the alcohol calories but I expect I'll end up having a beer or cocktail and then smoking so I don't get tempted. I've never had to hide anything except purging and I don't want to purge on the trip. It makes me light headed and it's not safe if I pass out while diving or something. I'll probably stay at about 750 calories on the trip. Stick to the whole 'I cant eat before getting into a car.' and 'but I always fast on Thursdays.' It's such an odd feeling researching how to 'hide an ED from friends/family' We'll end up eating out every day and I'll really have to be careful of what I eat.
I should probably go and study for my exam which is in two days. Wish me luck. <3
Jamie